My partner of 4 yrs %26amp; I are currently on a break, his dad recently died %26amp; he is taking some time to clear his head %26amp; get some space. For the past 6 weeks we have taken a large step back %26amp; hardly seen each other. I dont really understand how he is feeling (I have never lost a parent) %26amp; he reacts differently to things than I do.
The trouble is, not only am I trying to deal with us being on "a break" which is hard (I really miss him %26amp; am scared that he will get over me %26amp; forget me %26amp; not come back) but my mum keeps on telling me how he is being selfish, cruel, wrong towards me %26amp; I should end things. As soon as I get to grips with why he needs time %26amp; feel reassured she bowls in and makes me feel all wobbly again. I have tried to explain to her that its not helpful to me or the situation to have her be so negative. She says that she cannot and will not understand him. the whole situation is just getting too much. Plus I live with my mum (still) so cannot walk away
28 years old %26amp; getting grief about my relationship from my mum.?
oh no what a difficult situation! well its understandable that your partners head is messed up at the moment and he may have 'gone off the rails' but given time and space i am sure he will come back to you when he is ready, once hes sorted his head out a little (you and him probably wouldnt be any good around each other at the moment anyway, especially as you cannot understand him. many people just need their space and some time). your mum should definitely not be saying things like that to you, she hasnt tried to put herself in his shoes at all. its a shame you still live with your mum as i was going to suggest not seeing her for a while as she is doing more harm than good. but as you cant you must try to let the things she says to you go straight over your head and dont encourage her but replying and b*tching with her about your partner, although that is hard in your position but she might start to get the hint. remember that 6 weeks isnt a long time and its not that he is running away from the relationship/ you -its something awful and something that he must deal with on his own in his own way. i am sure your mother would still be saying the same sort of things if he was still around as he would still upset you because of all the stress he is under, so try to point that out and that it is probably best for you both that you are not together at this difficult time. when he feels a bit better, when he needs you, he will be back x x
Reply:go and die u asswholes Report It
Reply:That's tough.
I know when we're in relationships it's easy to share things about what's going on in it. So, your mother feels she can share her opinion about it. I recommend putting your foot down now (as politely as possible, of course, considering the living arrangements), letting her know, pretty much like you have, that "this area of your life is NOT open for discussion". AND by all means, do "walk away", leave the room, take a walk, when/if she does continue even though you've made yourself clear about this...again. Stick to this plan and eventually she will tire of bringing it up and you leaving the room. She only continues because you are making it a discussion...refuse to discuss it or even listen to her discuss it, by walking away.
On the other hand, I don't exactly know what your partner is thinking. You've been together awhile. Maybe this face with dying and death has really changed his perspective on what he'd been doing with his life....that includes his relationship with you apparently.
If he has not kept in touch in the past couple months, that isn't a good sign. IF he is, at least, trying to "check in" once in awhile, then yes, perhaps there is still hope.
I wouldn't wait more than another couple months though...it's up to you, of course, but you deserve total honesty here. You deserve to know what's happening to this relationship---it's your life too.
I would think he should be getting some grief counselling by now if he is still not handling it well enough to be able to communicate openly with his partner of 4 years. THEN he and your relationship could benefit from that.
Good luck and take care.
Reply:when you said "Still "you answrd your own question.
Reply:It's a hard situation ... I think you're probably going to have to sit down with your mum and tell her that your 28 years old, you have your own thoughts and actions now and they do not have to be approved by her, but the least you expect is her support .... she does not have to understand his way of thinking, but she could at least be there for you and offer you a shoulder without passing comment.
Whatever happens for you hun, I really hope it works out for the best.
Reply:Why don't you confront your boyfriend and tell him to end the break? If you're really important to him, then he should understand. In some ways, I do think he is being selfish, because he's hurting the people around him.
Anyways, I don't understand why he had to have a 6 week break from you... if anything, after losing a parent he should become more dependent on your support.
Talk to your boyfriend, because obviously, the break can't last any longer, or else something's going to give.
Good Luck!
Reply:Firstly, your mum. Good ol' Mum. She is being a bit of a pain but she has your best interests at heart. However, I think she has a point. Your partner is excluding you from a major event in his life which he feels unable (or does not wish) to share with you. This does seem unkind.
My father died of cancer when I was 22. It was a long slow death and horrible to witness. I would have welcomed a partner to comfort me and help me through grieving. But that's me. I'm not your bf.
If you want the relationship to resume (and it sounds like you do) then I think after 6 weeks you are justified in contacting him to find out if you still both want the same things.
Good luck!
Reply:I'd say 6 weeks is a rather long time to clear one's head. hmmm...go with mama!
Reply:I'm sorry but your mum is wrong, your partner is not being cruel or selfish by wanting alone time to deal with the death of a parent. You're 28 years old tell your mother to mind her own business!
But from experience I will own up to say that I watched my father slowly die from Cancer, I was in a relationship at the time and I broke up with my partner because I couldn't deal with a relationship at the same time...
Reply:I left home at 28 (for the third time!). My mum elbowed me out gently about 2 years after we lost my dad as she said I should have a chance to live my own life and not live through hers. Unless you are very happy living at home(which it seems you are not) then it may be time for you to find your own space which will give you time to think on a clear head also. My mother gave me a life, but it seems that you are being prevented from having one. You cannot be dictated to forever as I'm sure your mother would not be. You have to make your own choices in life and no-one can tell you whether they are right or wrong. Only time will tell. You have to give your partner his space as he has asked for it but simply let him know that you are there for him if he needs you, as all people react differently to a death in the family but it is never easy. Whatever the end result is, I wish you good luck.
Vonny XX
For help with childcare costs apply for working parents tax credit as they can pay up to the full amount of this for you if you are a single working mother. Also, look for further advice from social services (I know it sounds drastic but they are human and can actually be talked to and sometimes even give out good advice). There are many organisations out there who are willing to help people who want to help themselves.
Reply:I suggest you speak to your man asap find out what he is up to i would want the support of my partner like most in that situation,they say the truth hurts,. but your still your mum's baby and always will be she wants what's best for you.when you decide how long you can stay " waiting"You need to sit your mum down and talk to her calmly and explain to her that as much as you love her and understand her feelings it is your LIFE not hers you need her support not criticism. good luck
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